Dec 7, 2013

my head and my heart, they got issues

Its been a long time since I write on this blog of mine... do somebody I know still read it? I doubt it 🙊 thats why I'm gonna pour out the gibberish thing in my head here.

To start of, there's this guy who's 5 years younger than me who confessed to like me, love me, wants to marry me, wants to have a family with me... 😳 Well, for the first three months when he started texting me, he kept it at friendship level - though its obvious; like why would a guy keep texting you if he wasn't interested in you right? And at times he subtlely let his intention shown, but I pretend to be dense and ignore it. Then, he come out I think during Ramadhan month when I keep pressing him why did he avoid me when I do actually met him. For starter he start with 'like' then 'sayang' then last month started using the L word.

I did try to dissuade him, saying my heart has vaporised into thin air at this age, told him someday he will find 'the one', told him I only see him as a friend, a young friend... after every discouragement he gets menyamal and gave me the silent treatment for a few days. Then, like a rebound ball his text comes again, appearing normal - greeting me in the morning, evening, asking of I have eaten, what I am doing 😥 as if our last conversation never takes place. Checking back our chat history, his last menyamal episode was the longest, 16 days. That happen when he asked me if I 'care' about him, I said yes- as one human being to another, as one acquaintance to another. He asked for more, I reply how can I 'care' more when I don't really know him. At this age I don't believe at love at first sight or second or how many hundreds sights. i believe, feelings need to be nurture - therefore one must get to know each other. But then I saw some Islamic quotation on how we dont need to get to know our future spouse, let the love comes after marriage - just make sure he's in the right path to Jannah. ....

Okay, for starter I don't think he's an 'alim' person - I think he's like me whose prayer on- and-off  (I am trying to change that! i am trying to be discipline myself )  so I really shouldnt expect for an 'alim' person when i am not right?  a good woman is for a good man, and such ... i think Surah An-nas.

then, there's this part about his education level and occupation not on par with mine. not that i look down on him, but sometimes it irritates me how 'slow' he seem and his words so basic. I can stand my brothers, cause they are  my  brother... so can i stand him for long term??? And there's the fact that all my colleagues will go 'What?!!!!' if I do  accept him.... but i shouldnt worry for others' opinion right?

Then there's his age.... gosh! its okay for my brother to marry girls our nieces' age , but me with someone who's at the same age (well almost - 2 yrs differences) as my eldest niece? unthinkable!

And there's my confidence issue - hahahaha there's this jaded side of me who wonder if he likes me because of my salary? ( not that its huge! but at least its 3-4 times to his ) . Well, he's  not a 'catch' in the look departement himself; he used to be chubby when i first met him but now after his vigorous discipline diet, he's  thin weighing 70kg. He got a scar on his chin that he aleays try to hide.  He's awkward, shy,  seems to have low confidence level.

Oh did i forget to mentoon that my closest colleague at the office who at first was  singing praises for him but then when I told her i 'm layaning him chatting on whatsapp... the praises became spare... more complaints now. Wonder if  she thinks really i deserve better or she just don't want  me  with anyone? 😳

Sigh! I wonder sometimes , why do I layan him in  chatting in the first place? Is it pity?  When before, i was curt and dismissive when replying  text by guys I am not interested in. or I dont want to be labeled ambung to dismiss him instantly cause of his occupation whereas the other guys were at the same education level as me.  or because of my advancing agr... so I am taking a precaution step, maybe this is my last chance of matrimony hahahhaha.... sometimes I do berate myself how can I find  my other  half when i don't open the door possibilities. Everytime a guy comes  knocking around, I took a peek and didn't open the door. Even a guy  scared of rejection right?  but what about this guy?  I dont understand him, he keeps knocking around but not really persistence... a bit laid back. He keeps saying he miss me, but all he does is asking me out to eat or watch a movie. I keep saying no, and for weeks he dont see me and he's okay with that. How could that be? not that i want him to stalk me, but I believe some 'persuading' needs to be done with his constant 'miss you' .  okay, i relent this month and go out  and have dinner with him on two occassions.... the first dinner was awkward and I vow not to relent again.... but after  his 16 days of silence i am sorta dont want to offend him anymore so yeah i agree to meet him again for dinner  😅

So yeah, this is my dilema comes in.., I dont think he's the one for me. But I dont want to  'lose' him. I  get moody when he didnt text me in a day.... but when he do text me i dont know what to reply. do i keep the conversation going or just plain answer his question and leave it at that?  I'm scared if i do keep it going, I'll appear to have some feelings for him (do I?) and gives him more hopes to hold on.
Sigh! a part me wants him to give up now lest he'll be hurt more... and a part of me wants to know if he's worth it, if his feeling is strong enough to break down my walls. Do i want him to break down my walls?