Dec 7, 2013

my head and my heart, they got issues

Its been a long time since I write on this blog of mine... do somebody I know still read it? I doubt it 🙊 thats why I'm gonna pour out the gibberish thing in my head here.

To start of, there's this guy who's 5 years younger than me who confessed to like me, love me, wants to marry me, wants to have a family with me... 😳 Well, for the first three months when he started texting me, he kept it at friendship level - though its obvious; like why would a guy keep texting you if he wasn't interested in you right? And at times he subtlely let his intention shown, but I pretend to be dense and ignore it. Then, he come out I think during Ramadhan month when I keep pressing him why did he avoid me when I do actually met him. For starter he start with 'like' then 'sayang' then last month started using the L word.

I did try to dissuade him, saying my heart has vaporised into thin air at this age, told him someday he will find 'the one', told him I only see him as a friend, a young friend... after every discouragement he gets menyamal and gave me the silent treatment for a few days. Then, like a rebound ball his text comes again, appearing normal - greeting me in the morning, evening, asking of I have eaten, what I am doing 😥 as if our last conversation never takes place. Checking back our chat history, his last menyamal episode was the longest, 16 days. That happen when he asked me if I 'care' about him, I said yes- as one human being to another, as one acquaintance to another. He asked for more, I reply how can I 'care' more when I don't really know him. At this age I don't believe at love at first sight or second or how many hundreds sights. i believe, feelings need to be nurture - therefore one must get to know each other. But then I saw some Islamic quotation on how we dont need to get to know our future spouse, let the love comes after marriage - just make sure he's in the right path to Jannah. ....

Okay, for starter I don't think he's an 'alim' person - I think he's like me whose prayer on- and-off  (I am trying to change that! i am trying to be discipline myself )  so I really shouldnt expect for an 'alim' person when i am not right?  a good woman is for a good man, and such ... i think Surah An-nas.

then, there's this part about his education level and occupation not on par with mine. not that i look down on him, but sometimes it irritates me how 'slow' he seem and his words so basic. I can stand my brothers, cause they are  my  brother... so can i stand him for long term??? And there's the fact that all my colleagues will go 'What?!!!!' if I do  accept him.... but i shouldnt worry for others' opinion right?

Then there's his age.... gosh! its okay for my brother to marry girls our nieces' age , but me with someone who's at the same age (well almost - 2 yrs differences) as my eldest niece? unthinkable!

And there's my confidence issue - hahahaha there's this jaded side of me who wonder if he likes me because of my salary? ( not that its huge! but at least its 3-4 times to his ) . Well, he's  not a 'catch' in the look departement himself; he used to be chubby when i first met him but now after his vigorous discipline diet, he's  thin weighing 70kg. He got a scar on his chin that he aleays try to hide.  He's awkward, shy,  seems to have low confidence level.

Oh did i forget to mentoon that my closest colleague at the office who at first was  singing praises for him but then when I told her i 'm layaning him chatting on whatsapp... the praises became spare... more complaints now. Wonder if  she thinks really i deserve better or she just don't want  me  with anyone? 😳

Sigh! I wonder sometimes , why do I layan him in  chatting in the first place? Is it pity?  When before, i was curt and dismissive when replying  text by guys I am not interested in. or I dont want to be labeled ambung to dismiss him instantly cause of his occupation whereas the other guys were at the same education level as me.  or because of my advancing agr... so I am taking a precaution step, maybe this is my last chance of matrimony hahahhaha.... sometimes I do berate myself how can I find  my other  half when i don't open the door possibilities. Everytime a guy comes  knocking around, I took a peek and didn't open the door. Even a guy  scared of rejection right?  but what about this guy?  I dont understand him, he keeps knocking around but not really persistence... a bit laid back. He keeps saying he miss me, but all he does is asking me out to eat or watch a movie. I keep saying no, and for weeks he dont see me and he's okay with that. How could that be? not that i want him to stalk me, but I believe some 'persuading' needs to be done with his constant 'miss you' .  okay, i relent this month and go out  and have dinner with him on two occassions.... the first dinner was awkward and I vow not to relent again.... but after  his 16 days of silence i am sorta dont want to offend him anymore so yeah i agree to meet him again for dinner  😅

So yeah, this is my dilema comes in.., I dont think he's the one for me. But I dont want to  'lose' him. I  get moody when he didnt text me in a day.... but when he do text me i dont know what to reply. do i keep the conversation going or just plain answer his question and leave it at that?  I'm scared if i do keep it going, I'll appear to have some feelings for him (do I?) and gives him more hopes to hold on.
Sigh! a part me wants him to give up now lest he'll be hurt more... and a part of me wants to know if he's worth it, if his feeling is strong enough to break down my walls. Do i want him to break down my walls?

Sep 22, 2012

Your iPersonic Type: The Sensitive Doer

Okay... out of stressed, for fun I take 5 minutes to do this personality test. Don't have time to read thoroughly or maybe later.

Sensitive Doers like you are gentle, modest and reserved persons. You cope well with everyday life and you like your privacy. With your quiet, optimistic nature, you are also a good, sought-after listener and other people feel well in your company. All in all, your type is the most likeable and friendliest of all personality types. Tolerance and your regard for others distinguish your personality. You are very caring, generous and always willing to help. You are open to and interested in everything that is new or unknown to you. However, if your inner value system or your sense of justice is hurt, you can suddenly and surprisingly become forceful and assertive.

Sensitive Doers enjoy the comforts life offers to the full. You are very happy in everyday life. Sensitive Doers like you are often gifted artists or very good craftsmen. Creativity, imagination and an especially keen perception are just a few of your strong points. You are very presence-oriented; long-term planning and preparations do not appeal to you. You take life as it comes and react flexibly to daily demands. You do not like too much routine and predictability. Your talents come more to the fore when work processes are variable and there are not so many rules. You like to work alone; if you are part of a team, you do not get involved in competitive or power games and you prefer living and working together harmoniously and openly.

Your type, although belonging to the introverted Doers, is also the most amiable and friendly in his dealings with others of all types. This special combination is the reason for your great flexibility. It enables you to work excellently and contently on your own to suit any situation, but also achieve extraordinary popularity and professional satisfaction as a member of a team. Here the precondition is a friendly, collegiate environment characterized by harmony and mutual respect.

You need a working environment without intrigue or political manipulation, and with the least possible deployment of elbows. Cooperation rather than confrontation, should be the order of the day. Colleagues as well as superiors equally appreciate your unassuming, congenial nature and your unbelievable sensitivity plus your attentive and generous ways toward others. In your presence, people simply have to be comfortable; you are not competition oriented, whatsoever. You are almost limitlessly tolerant and always prepared to accept others as they are. As a consequence, you very rarely have problems getting along with different people. The only exception: when your private value system is hurt or you notice injustice somewhere. In that case, you can react quite forcefully but even in the most heated dispute you always try to argue respectfully and fairly.

Therefore it is very important that your work is compatible with your (high) values and ideals. In the long term, it is not satisfactory to just do any job with the sole objective of finding money in your account at the end of the month. You need the feeling of being able to totally identify yourself with your job, and to fully support whatever it is that you do every day. Ideally, your usually more practically- than theoretically-oriented activity provides you with tangible results. Then you can walk home at night feeling that you made the world just a little bit better than it had been in the morning - preferably for another human being.


Apr 11, 2012


So yeah, I hate April mostly, cause when the budget of the new financial year comes in; begins another routine dreadful worksssss which make a huge affect after a leisure half of March. This year it seems worse cause I'm acting for a colleague who's on leave, preparing a presentation for the 16th and then I'm preparing for the logistics for another trade fair in June. I don't know which to do and finish first. I don't like multi tasking. I rather finished one job first and then start another. But now, I have to deal with whatever seems urgent at the moment :(

Then there is the fact that I seems like a 'therapist', everyone keeps pouring out their heart and woes to me. Today, of all to layan my bestfriend from high school, who says she's getting old and the pool of good husband material are decreasing. It does not help also that she keeps falling for the wrong person, which mostly consist of men who wants to fools around, wanting only the relationship of FWB (Friends with Benefit). I told her to ditch her latest fall, though so far he seems the cutest (of all her conquest), he's not gonna change his mind after reaping 'all' the benefits from her, to wants to commit. She said she can't, she melts everytime he speaks or smiles at her. Urghhh! I told her to fall for her bestfriend instead that I keep seeing she or him upload pictures of them together in FB, and she laughed bittterly, he's gay. Well, I'm out of advice then. She asked me to find her a boyfriend ^.^ sure thing I said, but it will be 'leftovers' for I will only pass her the guy that did not pass my 'checklist' if there were many.

Then, there is this colleague who is several years younger than me and forever and always keep on searching for her Mr. Bujang but keeps going back to her Mr.Already Married and Have a Family. The relationship finally ends (I hope so!) when he was posted in outstation and she was giving him a surprised visit when he was admitted at the hospital there. What a shock it was, while she was attending him with love and care in the ward, later comes a local lady who asked who she was. The guy, told her - just a colleague from back home. He's having an affair there also! My colleague held her smile and tears until she was out of the hospital. So yeah, my other colleague tries to set her up with other men but she does not seems interested... and today, she sheds tears again as someone told her about the incident where some person who is related to the guy bad-mouthed her when it was all in the past and she never bad-mouthed that person or being mean to that person. I told her the best revenge is be happy. And don't let her happiness depend on another person. Be happy whether she meet or not her soulmate. But she said, she must get married to gain happiness or else she'll be forever thinking of what she don't have. Hmmm... does that mean to take whatever comes your way, even if does not fulfill all your requirement (I'm not talking about perfectness, but heart), won't that bring dissatisfaction and worse misery later on?

After the talks, got back to my work with minor gossip interruptions, but later this night it got me thinking, why am I not like them? worried about old age and my singledom? Should I be worried? But then, I'm not ready to commit to all those responsibilities that comes with commitment. Haha... at the moment I just want to show off someone with me when the occasions calls for it, if not he's not to bother me. If only, there's a lot of actor for hire around here...

Aug 3, 2011

Finding Mr. Destiny

Was interested to watch this movie because it was Gong Yoo first work after his stint in the army. That's it. Never thought I would connect with the heroine Ji Woo in her fear of commitment and getting hurt. But I was not as bad as her though... if I like the cookies I'll eat it to the last crumb nor can I stand not knowing the end of a story be it movie, novels or anything (I hate it when somebody said to you, they got something to tell but in the end they said never mind, forget it. arghhh!) Yeah, the end might not be what I expected but I still want to know how it'll end.

Anyway, the movie is about a stubborn and meticulous Han Gi Joon who started his own business of "Finding Your First Love" after he was fired from being a travel agent. His first client is Seo Ji Woo, messy-appearance stage director who was still hung up on her first love. She met him while she was vacationing in India ten years ago. In her naivety, although he had given her something to find him and sort of a time and place to meet when they were back to Korea, she tempts fate and said she believe in destiny, 'if they're meant to be, they will meet again'.

Well, actually she has no interest in finding her first love, Kim Jong Wook, it was rather a front to get her father off her back; stop arranging blind-dates for her and pushing her to get married. She was not cooperating at first but the persistent Gi Joon who's gonna track every Kim Jong Wook in Korea, got her curious and participate in the search. Spending a lot times together, make Gi Joon starts to fall for her... then he got a call from a prospective client who wants to find his first love on his trip to India....

The movie, make me feels good inside - make me forget that I have an interview tomorrow!.And I love dorky Gong Yoo as the bumbling Gi Joon as much as the dashing Gong Yoo as the 'supposed to be stranger' in India. and the girl, apart from being too skinny, she's extremely likeable as the girl next door. And after watching City Hunter, I like Chun Ho Jin (Ji Woo's father), I think he'll be forever branded in my head as a good father-figure. Can't believe that I watched so many dramas where he was casted also and never really had his character stuck in my head.

Anyway, the part where I think that really hit my bull-eyes (twice) was during Ji Woo conversation with her dad, when he asked her whether she's going to go meet Kim Jong Wook now that she know where to find him.

Ji Woo: I'm not sure. I don't know if he's the one
Dad: There you go, all scared again. You won't find out unless you give it a try.
Ji Woo: What if he i
sn't? Then it'll just hurt.
Dad: So you're not even going to try?

Ji Woo: But what about fate and destiny? If it's meant to be, I wouldn't have to try so hard....
Dad: That's why you still have so much to learn. When fate gives you a chance yo have to grab it

Haha... It was almost similar to my repetitive conversation (or argument) with my friend Yanti. She's always getting frustrated by my point of why wasting energy and time, in the end it'll just hurt and if it's meant to be, then you wouldn't have to try so hard. Yes, I do get her point, but I'm just stubborn and maybe whimsical as Ji Woo?

Ohooo... now that I mentioned my friend, I think I got another similarity with Ji Woo. Just like her using Kim Jong Wook to ward off every man interested in her; Yanti accused me of using HIM as an excuse to ward off every guy she wants me go out with.

Jul 12, 2011

The Path Not Taken,,,,

Was listening to this song while fetching my niece at my previous college... it brought back so many memories...

...that got me thinking, if I did things differently, I could be married already like my friends and have kids!!! But much as I would like a baby of my own, it still didn't make me regret faking ignorance, turning my back or spurning... its those darned romantic novels that I read! It makes me expect something 'different', that I don't have to make a lists of likes and dislikes... your heart just know IT, the right answer INSTANTLY without much deliberation. Are those things only happens in novels, movies and korean dramas, and not real??? Should I wake up and 'settle' for a 'consolation prize'? Once my sociology lecturer told us she don't like the word 'compromise'... and as far as I know, she is still single ^^

May 28, 2011

People are just weird....

They don't want to hand out something to those who wants it, but rather choose to give the oppurtunity to those who hate it. Helloooo... do you think I'm faking it???? I don't like to travel overseas if its work-related (maybe with the exception of South Korea), I'm not good at marketing and I do not intend to improve on that. I'm anti-social (not to the extreme though) and I don't intend to change myself.

So yeah, I'm nominated to be the team leader for the Japan trip next Sept; what would you said if your boss asked you; would it be alright for you to go on this Japan trip? I wanna reply, "HELL NO! I AM NOT ALRIGHT WITH THAT". That one I have to fake a smile, "Oh, there's no one else available? Oh, okay....sure"

Then my other colleague who's on maternity-leave sms-ed me last week, whats my plan this June... I know what she have in mind, really wanna reply I already applied for leave, but I know that lie can be uncovered easily and surely. So I just reply, let me be the last resort, nominate OTHER PEOPLE first. But hell no, she don't want to bring the people who really likes to travel, who really wants to go... Now, I'm gonna be the one to be jeling and given cold treatment again. Maybe, I should just show an attitude, and not be a yes-ma'am companion then maybe I won't get stressed when my name is put down for overseas. or maybe just fake how iski I am to be travelling...

well, now I feel lighter after I vent out my frustration for people in general and my office-mate in particular

May 17, 2011

Daemang @ Great Ambition

I've been hunting for this drama far and wide (even Singapore and Kuala Lumpur) for years....after my obsession with Jo Hyun Jae starts. Alas, the only set available then were without english subtitles... Yeah, at that stage I would even buy an original set which would cost me a lot like Jumong...haha but then last month chajatta! and I think it cost around $30-40 only....but I hesitate not because I don't wanna see it anymore but because I had so many dramas to watch!!!! and rewatching Family Outing and Running Man doesn't help reducing the number either...nor new interesting drama keeps airing every month to add to now three hard discs. But last week, while waiting for my mom 1 hour massage; roaming around the shops at The Mall, I couldn't resist anymore and had to buy it...

Oh yeah, you would think that with my obsession with Jo Hyun Jae, he would be the lead characters in this drama... haha no, he's just one of the supporting characters. My interest was piqued to watch this drama cause I read he attracts attention from this drama even in the few scenes he was in...with his good look and charismatics aura. Well, no wonder...he's the most good looking namja in this drama! (Sorry Jang Hyuk fans)...just like how Bae Soo Bin attract attention in Sea God, Jumong and Painter of The Wind.

Well anyway, the story starteed with a woman roaming the woods about to give birth and she stumbled upon a hunter. After she gave birth, he couldn't just leave her there, so he brought her to an abandoned village and there he helped her to get the house she had chosen in order. He's getting attached to her and the baby but she get another idea, she didn't want her son to be just another runaway-slave baby, so while he was hunting she brought her baby to the father, a successful merchant in the city. That bastard said to his wife he would deal with this problem and told her to go back to sleep but the kind wife said she's willing to raise the baby as her own -for she was barren - if the girl was to disappear for good. When she stepped out of the house - minus the baby - she confronted by the hunter who was hurt by her defection, tossed her her belongings and walked away....

Several years later, the child grew up to be Park Jae Young (Jang Hyuk) and as it turns out the merchant had secretly adopted another son beforehand Park Si Young (Han Jae Suk). Jae Young was a warm-hearted person and befriended many low-born commoners while Si Young is what we could in today's world a psychopath - someone without feelings and empathy. Anyway, Jae Young falls for Yoon Ye Jin (Lee Yo Won) since she tended to his broken arms when they were kids, not knowing at first that she's someone out of his reach, of noble-higher-class status.

When he ran away from home, abandoning even his own name after his greedy father and heartless brother manipulations that results to his friends death, his path crossed again with Choi Dong Hee (Son Ye Jin), a daughter of another merchant who masquerade as a man to move freely and through her prodding and her father wisdom, he finds a will to live again and get involved with other people. (I kinda predicted she would fall or him... but the way they end her story and him kinda left me unsatisfied. Haha I was hoping that Si Young got to married Ye Jin and Jae Young falls in love with Dong Hee too, but remain loyal to Ye Jin but in the end Ye Jin died and the living have to go on living right?) ANYWAY, through some chance encountered and these people Jae Young was involved with the politics and helps the handsome-can't-be-missed-Crown Prince (Jo Hyun Jae).

In that time, his brother also encountered Ye Jin and might be because of the cold shoulder she gave him, and she of higher class, he was intrigued by her and wants to possess her eventhough he knows she only loves Jae Young. Ye Jin knows about his 'illness' or lack of feelings and for Jae Young sake wants to cure him... haha! like how? even the modern medicine with all the available drugs cannot cure that kind of person methinks... Oka y maybe I'm a bit bias against Lee Yo Won, she's beautiful and all, but she's like a doll - so lifeless (that's why she so perfect as the zombie-Yi-Kyung in 49 Days).

Oh yeah young Jang Geun Suk whom I almost didn't recognize and Jo In Sung cameo in this drama too... I'm trying to rack up my brain though who/where I've seen Jae Young birth's mother before...

Now on my hunting list is The King and I, please...please...can someone subbed it....